Questioning Innocence

There is a phrase I never liked, when people talk of “lost innocence.” Innocence is not, I think, something that can be lost. I do not feel as if my innocence was ever lost. Perhaps they mean that as we grow older, we feel guilt, suspicion, anger, resentment, woundedness, betrayal, callousness, hate, lust, cruelty, that these replace innocence. Confusing. When I feel all these emotions—and as a human being I feel all of it, how does this contradict innocence? What grants them their continual sting, what presupposes the sting, is a white soft sensitivity, an infant’s openness to the world. Innocence is a central experience. The I is innocent. The my, the things we build upon the I, centers upon this innocence, on this lamb soft mew of touch. I can recall no time in my childhood when I felt innocent. I recall anxiety, fear, love, concern, but never did I feel innocent, and never did I not feel innocent. I had no idea of it, had no meaning for it. As we use the term “innocent,” it is sort of a retrojected state we impose on our childhood after we start feeling adulthood guilt.

Going to hell in a handbasket

She had forgotten if she ever dreamt of a life, a besotted husband, a promising father to her children..she had forgotten what it was to live in clouds..weave dreams ..dream so high till she could dream nomore..she was pushed to ground close enough to make her realise that whatever she ever imagined as zenith had & would eventually fade away into zero.

He used to be there at the door every night only to be gone in the morning . Each day went by just like always ; her ears got used to the tirade, treating it as music while having no choice but to live with it and love it.

Her compassion became fear, freezing her into numbness ; the numbness she was enveloped in now..numbness she fought against every second, every minute of her life. She craved his presence to feed on his wisdom and for once feel privileged to be his blood.

With almost everything in life trying her patience ; a perseverant pestering towards her faith..she did her best to keep holding on...instinctively and innocently putting her trust in lifeless things.

Everyone around her still reiterated a ray of hope..beseeching her to await and welcome it with open arms..all she did was give them a smile..a smile which had forgotten its way up her eyes ; eyes that had lost their shine years ago never to come back maybe...yet she tried hard to put up a face and give them a feeling that they were familiar with..while wondering what wouldn’t she possibly do to revive her hollow soul..